by Fake Sir Real Scott Thomas
I was at the hut by the base with the ghost and Spongebill.
“Clamp em on! Clamp em on!” Spongebill shouted, and I twisted the wires into the alligator clips and attached them to the ghost. It wasn’t a ghost yet, but it would be soon.
“Man I love this,” I said. “They trained us to kill and torture and lie about it, and that’s what we do.”
“Yeah, stupid conservatives,” Spongebill laughed.
I snarled at the ghost. “You better feel lucky, punk, that I’m a liberal and not a conservative. That’s why I’m so freaking nice!” I showed him the Mickey Mouse ears he was going to be tortured and die in.
“Yeah, they’re the real hard-asses, I mean lard-asses,” Spongebill snorted. We just about fell over laughing.
Then the laughing stopped forever.
The door was open. There was a hard man in the doorway. The ghost jerked with an electric shock and a bloody flower bloomed in its forehead, then an inch below its eye. I heard the bang bang of the Glock and in the silence that followed the ghost rattled and fell. There was a stinging in my throat.
“Beauchamp, you’re in a hell of your own making,” the man said. He was a soldier or a mercenary or something. I couldn’t tell what his uniform was on account of the lizards and spiders crawling all over my skin. My brain melted down my throat and I threw up.
“All right, what have you been up to in your own little mind, Beauchamp?”
That’s when the torture started. Those conservatives had a field day torturing me. I held out as long as I could. It must have been days. They must have waterboarded me five or six times for more then eight hours until I gave in. Finally they stuck a pen in my hand and told me to sign or they’d drown me for real. Last chance. No kidding. I signed my name where they said.
And now you know why the Weekly Standard says this.
THE WEEKLY STANDARD has learned from a military source close to the investigation that Pvt. Scott Thomas Beauchamp–author of the much-disputed “Shock Troops” article in the New Republic’s July 23 issue as well as two previous “Baghdad Diarist” columns–signed a sworn statement admitting that all three articles he published in the New Republic were exaggerations and falsehoods–fabrications containing only “a smidgen of truth,” in the words of our source.
Only I fooled them. I signed my name wrong, with only one “t” in Scott, and if you look at the signature you can see it for yourself. I’ll get out of this in trial. I’m certain of it.
Spongebill is too stupid to get away with it. Tough for him.
Stupid conservative wingnut chickenhawks. You can’t catch me. I’m too slick. You see, I really am awesome and that’s why Germanian chicks dig me!
OVER AND OUT